The Three R's of Self-Destruction - Part Two: The First R, Resentment

Resentment

any negative emotional reaction oftentimes

to what we think was said or done.

Resentment toward another person is like drinking a poison and expecting that person to die.  Have you ever been there?  Perhaps someone has hurt your feelings or offended you.  Whenever this happens, our pain can lead us to think extremely irrational thoughts.  When we find ourselves carrying around resentment towards someone, a good practice is to say to ourselves, “Most people are people of good will,” which is absolutely true.  While they do exist, very few people are people of ill will.

Often, people say and do inconsiderate things, and we hold on to the offense.  Ironically, they may not even be aware of what they’ve done.  But even if they were intentional, we still must tell ourselves, “I must not let the voices outside override the voice inside.  The only person I can control is myself, and I know how hard that can be!  And I know that someone’s hurtful comment or action toward me ninety-nine percent of the time has little or nothing to do with me and much more to do with his or her current circumstances.”

Sometimes we overestimate another person’s interest in us.  There’s that old saying by Winston Churchill, “In my twenties I cared what everyone thought about me.  In my forties I didn’t care what anyone thought about me.  And in my sixties I realized that no one was ever thinking about me.”  I am convinced that all behavior is explained, and in almost all circumstances, most people’s rudeness or offense has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

Resentment will never serve me.  It simply infects me, and, as I waste away, the one I resent remains untouched.  When I resent, I give away my power.  I no longer own my life.  Instead, I place my life in the hands of a person I cannot change nor control, the one who has offended me.  And that is futile.  And by the way, it’s the same when we resent institutions, political, religious, or educational.  In those moments we must shake off resentment and be the change we want to see in the world.

Resentment has little to do with what actually occurred.  Oftentimes, when I resent someone, my perception of what occurred stems from my limited knowledge about all the factors around the moment.  Quite often my interpretation of what happened rests solely on my experience, so I have to be careful about rushing to judgment.

“But, Brad, what if my perception is accurate and the person really did say or do something hurtful or inappropriate?”  Great question!

In the film To Kill A Mockingbird,[i] Atticus Finch tells Scout and Jem, his children:

You never really understand a person until

you consider things from his point of view –

until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.

This practice is the beginning of dispelling resentment.  If I understand someone’s point of view, it becomes much easier to overlook the offense.  Understanding is like reflection in The Listen and Learn Technique, where you open your mind and heart to see and hear from another person’s perspective.  To clarify, understanding and agreeing with a person’s point of view are not the same, but understanding is a huge step in overcoming resentment.

A truly compassionate attitude toward others

does not change even if they act negatively.”[ii]

-The Dalai Lama

Practicing compassion is another step to dispel resentment.  However, when it comes to resentment in any circumstance, there is only one practice to eradicate it, and we’ll get to that soon enough.

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[i] To Kill A Mockingbird: 50^th Anniversary Edition.  Dir. Robert Mulligan.  Perf. Gregory Peck, Mary Badham, Phillip Alford, John Megna, and Frank Overton.  Universal Studios, 2012. DVD.

[ii] Gyatso,Tenzin, The Fourteenth Dalai Lama.  Compassion and the Individual. http://www.dalailama.com/messages/compassion.