The Three R's of Self-Destruction - Part Three: The Second R, Resistance

Resistance

the act of opposing or withstanding

Resistance may serve us in some instances.  Resisting unhealthy choices and immoral practices serves us, but in many cases, resistance is futile!  Most forms of resistance lead to negative escalations in relationships because the motives of the resistance are flawed.  You push, so I push back, and soon we are exhausted from resisting.

Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”[i]  He was talking about the ancient law employed in much of the world.  The idea behind “eye for eye, tooth for tooth” was to do away with the third R of self-destruction, revenge.  If you take an eye, justice demands I can take your eye.  The problem is most people don’t want to just take one eye in return.  They want to pluck out both eyes!   Soon everyone involved is eyeless, toothless, limbless, or worse, dead!  When we employ resistance, someone loses.

Saint Peter writes, “If it is at all possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”[ii]  If it is at all possible to find a beneficial resolution to any circumstance without using resistance, by all means, practice that solution. Our resistance uncovers our lack of compassion, the inability to see through another’s eyes, to try and understand another’s point of view.  Compassion and cooperation are keys to win-win solutions.

Why do we resist?  In the West perhaps we can chalk it up to “rugged individualism.”  Perhaps it is pride, or a competitive nature.  Most reasons relate to the two big stories:  the need to be right rather than be successful and the need to look good.

            

             Most people would rather look good than look inward.  Weak people look outward and blame others, putting control into others’ hands, but strong people look inward and make adjustments.  What you resist will persist!  What you focus on grows!

We may resist because it gives us the illusion of control.  When we resist, we often tell ourselves we are in control or in power.  Ironically, when we resist, we actually relinquish control or power because those we resist determine our behavior. Resisting does not give us control.  It controls us!  In reality we only control ourselves.  As long as we resist, we will find ourselves in lose-lose situations.  We must make The Shift, change our minds, and transform our thinking.

Who We Aren’t Instead of Who We Are

Another reason we resist may be because it is so much easier for us to define who we aren’t.  Most people can tell you what they don’t believe, what they are against, or what they don’t want to do, but ask them who they are, what they’re for, or what they want to do, and many have no response.  That’s why it is so easy for us to criticize others without looking at our own behavior.

Protesting against an unjust law or a verdict in a trial is far easier than living daily the answer to injustice.  Protesting against injustice is healthy if it is coupled with proactively living the solutions.  The challenge is that it’s easy to just be against something.  It’s far more difficult to live for something bigger than yourself.  But who you are and what you do speaks much more loudly than your words.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.[iii]

Gandhi abhorred the violent mistreatment of the Indian people, but he knew resisting with violence simply created a monster to defeat a monster.  Resistance often turns us into what we resist and is based solely on being right and looking good.  Resistance of this kind has little to do with justice or morality and everything to do with revenge and immorality.  When we resist in this way, we are thinking only about ourselves, looking for an excuse to put ourselves first, and this self-centered thinking tends to be the major reason we resist.

Gandhi’s satyagraha was about serving all of India, encouraging the British Empire to see his and others’ humanity, not by animalistic violence, but through non-violent protest or by breaking unjust laws that brought attention to oppression and the dehumanization of the people of India.  This resistance defined who Gandhi was and whom the Indian people were, not what they weren’t.

Henry David Thoreau’s writings on the man of conscience, even if a majority of one, is the beginning of the change we’d like to see in the world.  You must be someone whose resistance is not really resistance but a proactive way of living the life of the person of conscience.

Lao Tzu writes, “The highest good is like water.  Water gives life to the ten thousand things, and yet does not compete with them.  It flows in places that the mass of people detest, and therefore is it close to the Way.”[iv]                        

 A drop of water remains water and combined with many drops of water overcomes all obstacles to reach its goal.  Like water, our individual integrity combined with others’ integrity helps us find a common path to living our Greatness and having a community of Greatness! 

Tearing Down the Walls

The real problem in a relationship is when the arguing stops.[v]

-Bono

One of the major forms of resistance is putting up a wall or cutting off communication.  As long as people are talking there’s a chance of reconciliation. The word hate has been grossly misunderstood.  Rather than an emotion like anger or fear, the essence of the word hate is separation and isolation from someone or some thing.  If I hate broccoli, I don’t want it near my plate.  Hate is a form of resistance.  A marriage where spouses stop communicating may be more hateful than a marriage where spouses are discussing passionately values dear to them.  When silence turns to distance, and wounds become walls, destruction comes calling.

Most problems in life emerge from poor communication: ruined friendships, broken marriages, parent-child conflict, faltering businesses, even warring countries.  So resistance in the form of deliberate wall-building or cutting off communication is bound to create self-destruction eventually.  Focus on the obstacle, and it will grow.  Focus on the solution, and it will grow.  Avoid the obstacle, and it will grow.  Embrace the Obstacle-Opportunity, and you will grow.  Be like water.  Move toward your goal.  Embrace the obstacles along the way.  Keep the conversation going.  Leave them better than when you found them.  Bring them life, and life will transform all involved.

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[i] Fischer, Louis.  The Life of Mahatma Gandhi.  Harper and Row, 1983. Print.  While the quote is widely attributed to Gandhi,  no citation directly places this exact wording occurring anywhere in Gandhi’s writings, though he may have spoken it at some time.  Fischer writes in his biography of Gandhi a variation of the idea, and because of this, I cite his comprehensive work on the Mahatma’s life.  I highly recommend this biography and the film upon which it is based, directed by Sir Richard Attenborough and starring Ben Kingsley.

[ii] Romans 12:18

[iii] Matthew 7:12

[iv] Tzu, Lao.  Tao Te Ching.  Chapter 8.

[v] Assayas, Michka.  Bono in Conversation with Michka Assayas.  Riverhead Books.  Penguin.  New York. 2005-2006. Print.