Forgiveness - Part 4: Myopia, Humility, and Relationships

Tunnel Vision vs. Humility

            Your life is epic.

Homer’s The Odyssey tells the ten-year journey of a man trying to find his way home to his kingdom, his wife, and his son.  Like all epic tales, upon the journey Odysseus confronts many “monsters of depravity.”  Every monster represents a trait within Odysseus he must confront and overcome, traits like pride, greed, and lust.

On one occasion Odysseus confronts the Cyclops, Polyphemus.  The monstrously large Polyphemus doesn’t respect the gods.  In other words, he has no humility, and he has no concern for things of the heart or spirit.  He represents the animal nature of humanity.  He cannibalizes several of Odysseus’ men to placate his unchecked appetites.  The Cyclops’ every action is concerned with only one person: himself.  He has one eye, meaning he has no depth perception (He is shallow!).  He focuses solely on the surface of things: filling his belly, getting what he wants, drinking to the point of drunkenness.  He is full of pride.

            Polyphemus suffers from myopia, a medical condition resulting especially in defective vision of distant objects, or a lack of foresight, a narrow view of something.   He has no vision for distance, for the future.  And wisdom is vision!  He does not see the negative consequences of his self-centered actions.  He does not learn from his past and plan for his future.  He practices instant-gratification, and ends up suffering humiliation at the hands of the seemingly insignificant Odysseus.

Odysseus and his men escape when they use a sharpened pole to stab the Cyclops in the eye after the “monster of depravity” falls asleep, drunk from wine Odysseus serves him.  Polyphemus’ spiritual and intellectual blindness, from undisciplined habits and unrestrained instant-gratification, leads to his physical blindness at the hands of Odysseus.

In the narrative Polyphemus mirrors Odysseus, who himself suffers from myopia.  As he and his men escape on their ships, Odysseus taunts the Cyclops after having blinded him, and in the taunting nearly causes the death of himself and his crew as Polyphemus hurls a mountaintop in the direction of the ships.  Like the Cyclops, Odysseus also believes he does not need the gods, and he can do everything on his own.  He is blind to “the seventy-seven horrors” within ( See: Forgiveness - Part 1).  He is filled with pride, lacking any humility whatsoever.

The encounter with the Cyclops is Odysseus’ personal encounter with his myopic view, his inability to see the consequences of his arrogance and self-centeredness.  It takes him several more episodes to find humility.  From this episode we learn the importance of discipline, humility, and the grave consequences of the choices we make every moment.

The Three Most Important People in Your Life

            Think of the three most important people in your life.  Write them down right here, right now. If you have several siblings or kids, sorry, you will have to choose.  Do this before reading the next paragraph.  Go!

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

Now, are you on that list?  If not, add your name.  You must be on that list!  Just make sure you’re not the only one on that list!

Forgive yourself.  Love yourself.  Once you forgive and love yourself, only then can you love and forgive others.

Forgiveness is the antidote for resentment, resistance and revenge.  Forgiveness brings protection.  Mercy is new every morning![i]  When forgiveness goes before me in all my actions and relationships, I am protected from my self-destruction.  I can truly live, which is to say, I can truly love . . . myself and others.

Are you guilt-driven or grace-driven?  It’s time to make The Shift.  Live a grace-full life.  Open your eyes, live your calling, and walk in your Greatness.  Begin the revolution within . . . The Greatness Revolution!

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[i] Lamentations 3:22-23

Forgiveness - Part 3: The Growth-Gap, Grace vs. Guilt, and Conviction

The Growth-Gap

I had coffee with a friend of mine who had recently been through a divorce.  He was confronting Obstacle-Opportunities regarding a new relationship.  He said to me, “Brad, I am bad: I am a bad father.  I am a bad friend.  I am a bad. . .”  After he listed off several of these, I stopped him.  I said, “I want you to think about the language you use in regards to yourself.  If a friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would he still be your friend?”

Negative self-talk is such a destroyer.  Just because you are not perfect that does not mean there is nothing redeeming about who you are becoming.  I knew that this language from my friend had the Adversary all over it.  Remembering that when we don't live up to our expectations, when we make mistakes and own them then change our attitudes and actions to get better, when we realize that our transformation is a process, we live in freedom with the appropriate perspective of ourselves and others.

James Allen writes, “A man is literally what he thinks. . .the complete sum of all his thoughts.”  When we shame ourselves for our mistakes, we think we are worthless or unlovable, but when we see our shortcomings, learn from them, and change our approaches, we build our self-esteem in the midst of obstacles, struggles, and difficulties.

Instead of basing our self-esteem on our performance, we build our self-worth and identity through process, the continual process of getting better in our relationships, leadership, and life.  We take responsibility for our mistakes, but we don’t take them personally.  There’s a huge gap between, “I am a failure,” and “I made a mistake.”  It is the growth-gap.  The first statement is final, paralyzing, and destructive.  The second statement is process-oriented, empowering, and constructive, literally helping us build ourselves up into the people we want to be and are meant to be.

You are your best friend.  When you use negative self-talk you sabotage your success.  When you focus on what’s wrong, you focus on who you aren’t instead of who you are.  As author and speaker Marcus Buckingham says, “When we focus on what’s bad and try to reverse that, we get not bad.”[i]  We don’t get excellence.  We are not our very best!

Game-Changer

            It was a tight basketball game.  Grant was fouled and had a chance to seal the win by making two free throws.  The opposing team called time-out to “ice” him, and several of the players on the opposing team started talking to him about “choking” as he walked to our bench for the time-out.

Any coach knows to never say, “Don’t miss these free throws!” because the only thing the player hears is “miss these free throws,” and the only picture planted in his mind are free throws bouncing off the rim.  Instead, I said, “After Grant makes these free throws we will drop back to half court in man to man defense.”  What did he see?  Excellence!  He saw himself making the free throws to win the game.  And he did!

Grant was a good free-throw shooter.  He had practiced a lot, making hundreds of free-throws.  He also missed many, but he let go of his mistakes, tried to emulate his successes at the line, and saw the good in himself.  He had even pretended in practice to be at the end of a game with two free-throws to win it.  So, when he stepped to the line during the game, his mind, body, and heart were one in the moment.

This is exactly what we must do at critical moments in our lives when we are called to forgive or love ourselves or others.  Forgiveness takes practice.  It is in the process of practice that we conquer in crisis.

The Voice Inside, Not The Voices Outside

I told my recently divorced friend struggling in his new relationship, “There’s something I’ve seen in you for a long time.  You care more about what you think people think of you than you do about what you think of you.  Don’t let the voices outside override the voice inside.”

I told my friend, “Shame is part of life, and all of us experience shame.  It actually helps us stay connected to others when experienced appropriately.  But when shame drives us to guilt, and we stay in that place, we sabotage our growth, our relationships, and ultimately our lives.  You are guilt-driven.  Conviction is healthy, but guilt is destructive.  People of conviction act from the inside out.  Guilt-driven people struggle with forgiving themselves first and then others because they operate from the outside in.  Grace-driven people operate from the inside out.”

·      Guilt-driven people see duty, but Grace-driven people see beauty.

·      Guilt-driven people think the moment is taking something away from me, but Grace-driven people think the moment is making something great of me.

I told my friend, “Listen to what you are saying: I am a bad father.  I am a bad friend.  I know you.  I see you with your daughter, and that’s just not true.  You’ve got to make The Shift, change your mind, and change your stories because your guilt is not serving you.”

Guilt Versus Conviction

There’s a difference between guilt and conviction.  When we do something wrong and recognize it, we feel guilty about our actions.  That is appropriate.  The problem arises when we hold on to guilt and stay wrapped up in it.  We end up trapped in our past, unable to live now where we are.  Guilt is accompanied by shame.  Most human beings feel shame, and that is good because shame is what keeps us connected to each other.

The only people unable to feel shame are sociopaths.  They’re unable to feel any connection to others, and connection is a fundamental need of all human beings to live a fulfilled life.  Guilt is simply a stage in the learning process.  Guilt and shame should lead us to conviction, a conviction to change our thoughts and behavior.  Conviction should lead us to action, action that does something differently to make the wrong right in the future.

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[i] I actually attended a leadership conference where Marcus Buckingham spoke, and he said the quote I mention.  He has done extensive research on playing to your strengths and managing your weaknesses in his previous work with the Gallup organization and now on his own in several endeavors including The Marcus Buckingham Company, leading the “strengths revolution.”  For more go to http://www.tmbc.com.

Forgiveness - Part 2: It Begins with You!

Where Does Forgiveness Begin?

            Forgiveness begins with love, and the first person you must love is yourself if you ever want to forgive others.  Change the stories not serving you, keeping you from loving yourself.  We’ve all heard, “Love others the way you love yourself.”[i]  We call it The Golden Rule when actually it’s not a rule at all.  It’s a reality.  We cannot love others unless we love ourselves also, and we will only love others as much as we love ourselves.  If I view others cynically, it’s likely I am just as cynical about myself and my behavior. 

Ironically, the only way we will love ourselves appropriately is to forgive ourselves, to accept grace regarding our own imperfections and wrongdoings.  Most often my harshest critic is myself.  When harshness takes root, I hold others to an impossible standard because I hold myself to an impossible standard.  Hardness brings hardness, and it leads to one’s own self-destruction and the destruction of others.

Forgiveness and Consequences Are Not the Same Thing

Accepting or giving forgiveness is not the same thing as ignoring the consequences of wrong-doing or offense.  While I must forgive myself and in turn others in order to live a healthy life, sometimes negative consequences linger for a short or long time depending on the offense.  I cannot excuse myself from the consequences of my wrong-doings, just as I cannot excuse or get rid of the consequences of others’ wrong-doings.  Consequences, both positive and negative, result from the choices and actions I and others make.  I do not have control over the consequences of my actions or the actions of others, but I do have control over my choice to forgive the negative choices and behaviors of my self or others.  But even in the midst of forgiveness, negative consequences will necessarily play out in a cause-and-effect world.

Remember in 2007 the massacre of Amish school children?  A gunman shot ten children, and five were killed.  The gunman then took his own life.  The parents of those school children forgave the man.  The consequences of this horrible crime were devastated families whose lives would never be the same because their children were gone.  But the parents forgave the gunman, and showed that forgiveness by donating money to the gunman’s widow and three children, as well as attending the gunman’s funeral and consoling his widow. While the consequences of loss from the horrible crime will forever be with the families of those children and community, the families and community were set free from a spiritual and emotional prison because the parents of those children chose to forgive.

Make The Shift, change your mind, and believe you are lovely.  You are worthy of love and belonging.  Forgive yourself so you can love others as you love yourself.

Truth

Here’s the truth:  It is impossible to love another person if you don’t love yourself.

            Someone once said to me, “That’s not true.  I can serve others.  I can love others no matter how I feel about myself.”  Yes, you can do the right and loving act, and it is good to do the right act in relationship with others, but the action alone is not love.  Doing the right act without love in your heart is an empty motion.[ii]  Many people don’t love themselves, but do “loving” acts for others.  Why?  It’s who they really are trying to get out, trying to live, even when they are burdened with resentment, resistance, or revenge, three indicators of someone who does not love himself or herself.  However, in most cases, many seek their identity in what they think others think about them or how they think others see them, trapped in the “looking good” story, which eventually leads to self-destruction.

            I am not advocating that you stop performing loving acts to others if you don’t really feel love.  That just adds fuel to the fire of un-loveliness.  By all means, continue to act in love, and you will see your emotions change when you see the gratitude of those you are serving.  Our feelings often follow our actions.  Sometimes what I know to be right and how I feel don’t line up, but often when I do what I know to be right, noble, true, and loving, my feelings come along and I am overwhelmed with love.  So keep practicing love.

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[i] Matthew 22:39

[ii] 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Forgiveness - Part 1

Seventy-Seven Times

Once there was a man who fervently desired integrity, living a life of freedom and love in relationship with the people in his community.  He met a teacher and became his student.

One particular day, after several encounters with people who were inconsiderate, self-absorbed, and cruel, he grew frustrated.  He resented these people.  He resisted them, secretly wishing they “would get what was coming to them.”  Frustrated, he approached his teacher.  Knowing the teacher was a great man, full of compassion, he wanted to know how compassionate he must be in relationship to these people.

“Teacher,” he asked, “how many times do I have to forgive my brother or sister who wrongs me?  Seven times?” for he considered forgiving seven times was an outlandishly generous act very few, if any, could practice.

“Not seven times but seventy-seven times,” the Teacher replied.  The student stood open-mouthed, staring wide-eyed at his teacher.  After letting the answer sink in, the teacher continued:

There was a man who owed several million dollars to a wealthy and powerful businessman.  He could not pay his debt.  He went before the businessman and begged, “I cannot pay my debt right now.  Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.”  The powerful businessman had compassion for the man and said, “I forgive your debt.  You don’t owe anything.  

Go and live free, giving to others what I have given you.”  The man was overwhelmed with his good fortune, and he went out from the businessman’s office jubilantly.

Later in the day that same man came upon someone who owed him one hundred dollars.  He grabbed the man in debt by the collar, screaming, “Give me my money! Now!”  When news of this got back to the businessman, he filed suit against the man and in court he testified, saying to the man, “You cruel and wicked man!  You should have forgiven that man his one hundred dollar debt!  Now, before this court, you will have to pay back the millions I had forgiven you.”[i]

The teacher turned to his student and said, “We all have wronged others at some point in our lives.  We’re all indebted to others in some way.  We must always remember, ‘There, but for the grace of God, go I.’

“Hardness brings hardness, and softness brings softness.  Inside each of us rests all the secrets of our heart that if the rest of the world knew, it would be horrified.  And so, we always see the seven offenses of our brothers and sisters through the lens of the seventy-seven horrors within us.

“We can never change another’s heart.  But our hearts of compassion are bridges some will cross, and as they rest in our hearts of compassion and forgiveness, they too, like us, will become one of The Seventy-Seven Warriors of Love.”

Before you take out your notebook and get ready to mark off forgiving someone seventy-seven times before you either give them your two-cents worth or cut them loose from your life (yes, I have thought about this at times too when it comes to some people in my life), realize that the teacher called on his student to continually forgive.

Forgiveness is the only way to truly live your calling and walk in your Greatness.  All other ways are ultimately dead ends, specifically, your death, either mentally, spiritually, or even physically.

It’s a tall order, isn’t it?  How do I forgive even them?  Yes, that’s right, picture them in your mind right now (you know who I’m talking about – there’s always at least one person in our lives we find it very difficult to forgive).  So, let’s figure this out.

Forgive

to grant pardon for an offense or debt;

to cease to blame or hold resentment against someone or something;

to free or pardon someone from penalty

When you get what you deserve, that’s justice.  When you get what you don’t deserve (the good stuff!), that’s forgiveness.

To forgive actually means to give before; to give yourself to another as before they wronged you, to treat them as if nothing has changed in your relationship.

Why don’t we want to forgive?  Because many of us would rather be right than be successful.  Filled with resentment, we would rather drink the poison than find the cure.

Let Me Be Frank

Hi, I’m Frank.  Sorry, couldn’t resist.  Forgive me!

British playwright and novelist Somerset Maughm writes, “If I wrote down every thought I have ever thought and every deed I have ever done, men would call me a monster of depravity.”[ii]  Ouch!  Truth!  About me!  It burns us, precious! (FYI: Gollum struggled with forgiveness.).

We know the horrors of what we have thought and done, and we think it impossible to be free of those monstrous deeds.  And sometimes something weird happens when we hold on to our wrongs.  We begin to view others as cynically as we view ourselves.  We assume the worst about others because we know what we ourselves have done.  As American author Anais Nin writes, “We don’t see things as they are.  We see them as we are.”[iii]  This illness (and, rest assured, it is an illness[iv] according to Doestoyevsky) leads us to view others cynically, or it paralyzes us from walking in our Greatness, absorbed in a negative view of others, the world, or ourselves. (Just look at Gollum.  He was hideous!)

The Beautiful Mess of Excellence

All kidding aside, perfection is impossible, but excellence is attainable.  We all make mistakes, but we also do beautiful things.  I like to think of us as a beautiful mess!  If you are to live your calling and walk in your Greatness, you must:

1.  Admit your wrong-doings.

2.  Let go of your guilt by apologizing to yourself, others, and God.

3.  Let go of mistakes daily.  Lift them up and let them go.

4.  Learn from your mistakes.  Don’t repeat them.

5.  Change your behavior.

6.  Celebrate the beautiful and positive things you are doing daily.

7.  Embrace the beautiful mess you are!

Shift your mind right now!  Write down these steps and practice them daily.  In twenty-eight days you will be amazed how much happier, healthier, and free you are.

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[i] Matthew 18

[ii] Maugham, W. Somerset.  The Summing Up.  Penguin Classics, 1992. Print.  The quote contained in The Greatness Revolution is widely circulated on the web on various quotation websites.  The actual quotation is “For my part I do not think I am any better or any worse than most people, but I know that if I set down every action in my life and every thought that has crossed my mind the world would consider me a monster of depravity.”

[iii] Nin, Anais.  Seduction of the Minotaur.  Swallow Press. 1961.  Print.  Nin attributes this quote to The Talmud.

[iv] Dostoevsky, Fyodor.  Crime and Punishment.  Trans. Constance Garnett.  Dover Thrift Edition.  Dover Publications.  August, 2001.  In his Epilogue, Dostoyevsky has the protagonist Raskolnikov come to grips with the disease that infects humanity, namely it is the virus of unforgiveness.  Dostoevsky describes it as an illness.  Raskolnikov, himself, fights this disease throughout the entire novel until he finally changes his mind and sees his ever constant companion, Sonya (her nickname for Sophia, meaning wisdom) who loves Raskolnikov despite the hardships he places on her and the hardships of her life as well.  It is her unconditional and faithful love for Raskolnikov, despite his cruelty and hard heart, that prompts Raskolnikov to accept grace, forgiveness, and mercy, the love of God, an attribute, as Shakespeare puts it in The Merchant of Venice, that is the very essence of God.

The 3 R's of Self-Destruction - Part Five: The One R of Self-Preservation

The One R of Self-Preservation

            “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!” sings Aretha Franklin.  There’s a lot of talk about respect in our world.

In one of the classes I taught, part of the curriculum units centered on respect.  One of the main questions the curriculum asked was “How does one get respect?”  It’s an absurd question.

“I only respect those who respect me.  If they don’t respect me, I don’t respect them,” answered one student in my class.

“It’s a trick question,” I told the class.  “You can’t get respect.  You can only give respect.”

“Are you serious?” responded that same student.  “If someone is disrespectful, I’m not going to give them my respect.”

He didn’t realize he was keeping his lights on high beam.

“What does someone else being disrespectful have to do with you?” I asked.  “Whether someone shows you respect or disrespect has nothing to do with you, whom you choose to be, and what you choose to do.”

            

             Giving respect to someone, whether he or she deserves it or not, is a statement about you.  When you base giving respect on the behavior of another person, you place your power into their hands.  Don’t give away your power!  Showing respect for others, whether they deserve it or not, is a statement about who you are.

Respect is a key to overcoming resentment, resistance, and revenge.  Respect yourself enough to show respect to others regardless of their behavior.  You may not respect what they do or say, but if you show disrespect for them, you essentially have become the monster in order to defeat the monster.

Mandela

After experiencing many years of great adversity, after “knitting his cocoon” and “struggling to emerge” from it, Nelson Mandela created a win-win culture in South Africa, exchanging the cycle of oppression (a circle) with a united society working together to create a community of infinite possibilities (a spiral).  He called upon what was best in humanity to overcome the ugly scar of Apartheid.  Mandela shared his thoughts on the day of his release after twenty-seven years of prison:

            As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I                                     knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.

Nelson Mandela made The Shift.  He began with himself and influenced a group of transforming, like-minded individuals banding together.  As American cultural anthropologist Margaret Meade writes, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world; indeed it’s the only thing that ever has.”

The cause of all war, civil unrest, and the cycle of oppression reside in The Three R’s of Self-Destruction: resentment, resistance and revenge.  Only The Shift, changing our minds, seeing life as a spiral and not a circle, will create win-win solutions.

One thing remains to be said.  Neither Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, nor Henry David Thoreau were perfect people.  There are many people who changed the world for the better through the way they lived, and with the exception of one man, none of them were perfect.  They said and did things that were wrong and that they regretted.  They made mistakes.  But isn’t that the point?  First, they practiced excellence, not perfection because perfection is impossible but excellence is absolutely necessary.  Secondly, I am not perfect, and you are not perfect.  However, excellence is available to both you and me today!  Since no one’s perfect, we don’t have to be the judge and jury of anyone except ourselves.  This liberates us to look at the log in our own eye and not worry about the speck of sawdust in others’ eyes.[i]  We focus on progression in our own transformation, not perfection.  Essentially, this is humility, an essential component to ending the Three R’s of Self-Destruction and practicing the One R of Self-Preservation.

An Answer?

How do we rid ourselves of the two self-destructive stories: being right and looking good?  How do we stop resenting, resisting and seeking revenge?  We make The Shift.  We begin trying to see from others’ perspectives, practicing compassion, filled with respect.  But in order to do that we move to the ultimate and only way to eradicate the Three R’s of Self-Destruction, and that is what the next blog is all about!

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[i] Matthew 7:5

The 3 R's of Self-Destruction - Part Four: The Third R, Revenge

Revenge

an opportunity to retaliate or gain satisfaction,

especially in a resentful or vindictive spirit

Gandhi’s statement about an eye for an eye leaving the whole world blind shows that revenge is more than an attempt to get even.  

In our world revenge is dolled up as “justice,” but revenge has little to do with justice and much to do with the need to be right.  The need to be right creates lose-lose situations and compromises one’s ability to find peace, happiness, and joy.  Being right and simply being are two very different ways of life.

Gandhi masterfully found and practiced win-win solutions.  Sometimes these solutions caused him great suffering and struggles, but he knew the momentary suffering[i] would eventually bring about win-win solutions for the people of India and the British.  When the British left India, they left as friends because of Gandhi’s desire, discipline, and determination to bless and be blessed.

When we practice the Three R’s of Self Destruction all suffer.

High Beams

I remember driving many times at night down two-lane highways, and meeting drivers who would not dim their lights when I met them.  It was very annoying, and I grew angry.  I fumed inside with resentment, and I wanted to keep my lights on high beam (resistance and revenge).  I will confess that on occasion I left my high beams on, and only looking back on it did I realize I was not only jeopardizing the lives of those in the on-coming car, but I was jeopardizing my own life by deliberately trying to blind someone who was coming straight toward me with only a small yellow line separating us.  I know, crazy!

I couldn’t be bothered by why someone might leave their high-beams on, whether from being discourteous, having poor eyesight, or distracted by children perhaps in the car. How absolutely ridiculous is that!  You’d think I would have the sense to minimize the danger and to do my very best to produce a win-win solution by doing what made sense: dimming my headlights.

How many of the lessons in the spirals of our life have been wasted because we are blinded by high-beams coming at us, driven by resistance, resentment, and revenge? How many opportunities have we squandered to produce win-win solutions because we did not take the time to try to understand others and do what we knew would be best for everyone involved in the moment?  How often have we forgotten our integrity, to treat others the way we want to be treated because of The Three R’s of Self-Destruction? 

Instead, let’s make The Shift and change our stories.  Let’s decide to be our true selves and to walk in our Greatness by renouncing the Three R’s from our lives?  Let’s replace resistance with relationship, resentment with optimism, and revenge with compassion!

Distraction

            Distraction is a form of resentment, resistance, and revenge.  Life, inherently, contains hurdles.  As we run the race of life, we must not get distracted by the critics in the stands.  

To stop and argue with those telling you that you’re running too slowly with the wrong form and the wrong way keeps you from winning the race.  The critics aren’t even running!  When you stop to explain yourself or argue your case, you become one of them, standing on the sideline, letting life pass you by.

As Teddy Roosevelt so aptly stated, getting even with the critics by explaining who you are, all the while taking time away from your Dream and calling, defeats your purpose.  People on the sideline may think they know better than you, but if they aren’t in the race, they don’t.  Be careful about accepting criticism from them.  Run, walk, crawl if you have to, but don’t stop to listen to those who have no idea of and no desire to run the race you are running.  Just be the runner you are, and stay focused on the course before you, not distracted by the voices in the stands.  Listen to fellow runners and those who have run the race before you.

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[i] 2 Corithians 4:17