The 3 R's of Self-Destruction - Part Five: The One R of Self-Preservation

The One R of Self-Preservation

            “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!” sings Aretha Franklin.  There’s a lot of talk about respect in our world.

In one of the classes I taught, part of the curriculum units centered on respect.  One of the main questions the curriculum asked was “How does one get respect?”  It’s an absurd question.

“I only respect those who respect me.  If they don’t respect me, I don’t respect them,” answered one student in my class.

“It’s a trick question,” I told the class.  “You can’t get respect.  You can only give respect.”

“Are you serious?” responded that same student.  “If someone is disrespectful, I’m not going to give them my respect.”

He didn’t realize he was keeping his lights on high beam.

“What does someone else being disrespectful have to do with you?” I asked.  “Whether someone shows you respect or disrespect has nothing to do with you, whom you choose to be, and what you choose to do.”

            

             Giving respect to someone, whether he or she deserves it or not, is a statement about you.  When you base giving respect on the behavior of another person, you place your power into their hands.  Don’t give away your power!  Showing respect for others, whether they deserve it or not, is a statement about who you are.

Respect is a key to overcoming resentment, resistance, and revenge.  Respect yourself enough to show respect to others regardless of their behavior.  You may not respect what they do or say, but if you show disrespect for them, you essentially have become the monster in order to defeat the monster.

Mandela

After experiencing many years of great adversity, after “knitting his cocoon” and “struggling to emerge” from it, Nelson Mandela created a win-win culture in South Africa, exchanging the cycle of oppression (a circle) with a united society working together to create a community of infinite possibilities (a spiral).  He called upon what was best in humanity to overcome the ugly scar of Apartheid.  Mandela shared his thoughts on the day of his release after twenty-seven years of prison:

            As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I                                     knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.

Nelson Mandela made The Shift.  He began with himself and influenced a group of transforming, like-minded individuals banding together.  As American cultural anthropologist Margaret Meade writes, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world; indeed it’s the only thing that ever has.”

The cause of all war, civil unrest, and the cycle of oppression reside in The Three R’s of Self-Destruction: resentment, resistance and revenge.  Only The Shift, changing our minds, seeing life as a spiral and not a circle, will create win-win solutions.

One thing remains to be said.  Neither Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, nor Henry David Thoreau were perfect people.  There are many people who changed the world for the better through the way they lived, and with the exception of one man, none of them were perfect.  They said and did things that were wrong and that they regretted.  They made mistakes.  But isn’t that the point?  First, they practiced excellence, not perfection because perfection is impossible but excellence is absolutely necessary.  Secondly, I am not perfect, and you are not perfect.  However, excellence is available to both you and me today!  Since no one’s perfect, we don’t have to be the judge and jury of anyone except ourselves.  This liberates us to look at the log in our own eye and not worry about the speck of sawdust in others’ eyes.[i]  We focus on progression in our own transformation, not perfection.  Essentially, this is humility, an essential component to ending the Three R’s of Self-Destruction and practicing the One R of Self-Preservation.

An Answer?

How do we rid ourselves of the two self-destructive stories: being right and looking good?  How do we stop resenting, resisting and seeking revenge?  We make The Shift.  We begin trying to see from others’ perspectives, practicing compassion, filled with respect.  But in order to do that we move to the ultimate and only way to eradicate the Three R’s of Self-Destruction, and that is what the next blog is all about!

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[i] Matthew 7:5