Forgiveness - Part 2: It Begins with You!

Where Does Forgiveness Begin?

            Forgiveness begins with love, and the first person you must love is yourself if you ever want to forgive others.  Change the stories not serving you, keeping you from loving yourself.  We’ve all heard, “Love others the way you love yourself.”[i]  We call it The Golden Rule when actually it’s not a rule at all.  It’s a reality.  We cannot love others unless we love ourselves also, and we will only love others as much as we love ourselves.  If I view others cynically, it’s likely I am just as cynical about myself and my behavior. 

Ironically, the only way we will love ourselves appropriately is to forgive ourselves, to accept grace regarding our own imperfections and wrongdoings.  Most often my harshest critic is myself.  When harshness takes root, I hold others to an impossible standard because I hold myself to an impossible standard.  Hardness brings hardness, and it leads to one’s own self-destruction and the destruction of others.

Forgiveness and Consequences Are Not the Same Thing

Accepting or giving forgiveness is not the same thing as ignoring the consequences of wrong-doing or offense.  While I must forgive myself and in turn others in order to live a healthy life, sometimes negative consequences linger for a short or long time depending on the offense.  I cannot excuse myself from the consequences of my wrong-doings, just as I cannot excuse or get rid of the consequences of others’ wrong-doings.  Consequences, both positive and negative, result from the choices and actions I and others make.  I do not have control over the consequences of my actions or the actions of others, but I do have control over my choice to forgive the negative choices and behaviors of my self or others.  But even in the midst of forgiveness, negative consequences will necessarily play out in a cause-and-effect world.

Remember in 2007 the massacre of Amish school children?  A gunman shot ten children, and five were killed.  The gunman then took his own life.  The parents of those school children forgave the man.  The consequences of this horrible crime were devastated families whose lives would never be the same because their children were gone.  But the parents forgave the gunman, and showed that forgiveness by donating money to the gunman’s widow and three children, as well as attending the gunman’s funeral and consoling his widow. While the consequences of loss from the horrible crime will forever be with the families of those children and community, the families and community were set free from a spiritual and emotional prison because the parents of those children chose to forgive.

Make The Shift, change your mind, and believe you are lovely.  You are worthy of love and belonging.  Forgive yourself so you can love others as you love yourself.

Truth

Here’s the truth:  It is impossible to love another person if you don’t love yourself.

            Someone once said to me, “That’s not true.  I can serve others.  I can love others no matter how I feel about myself.”  Yes, you can do the right and loving act, and it is good to do the right act in relationship with others, but the action alone is not love.  Doing the right act without love in your heart is an empty motion.[ii]  Many people don’t love themselves, but do “loving” acts for others.  Why?  It’s who they really are trying to get out, trying to live, even when they are burdened with resentment, resistance, or revenge, three indicators of someone who does not love himself or herself.  However, in most cases, many seek their identity in what they think others think about them or how they think others see them, trapped in the “looking good” story, which eventually leads to self-destruction.

            I am not advocating that you stop performing loving acts to others if you don’t really feel love.  That just adds fuel to the fire of un-loveliness.  By all means, continue to act in love, and you will see your emotions change when you see the gratitude of those you are serving.  Our feelings often follow our actions.  Sometimes what I know to be right and how I feel don’t line up, but often when I do what I know to be right, noble, true, and loving, my feelings come along and I am overwhelmed with love.  So keep practicing love.

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[i] Matthew 22:39

[ii] 1 Corinthians 13:1-3