Forgiveness - Part 3: The Growth-Gap, Grace vs. Guilt, and Conviction

The Growth-Gap

I had coffee with a friend of mine who had recently been through a divorce.  He was confronting Obstacle-Opportunities regarding a new relationship.  He said to me, “Brad, I am bad: I am a bad father.  I am a bad friend.  I am a bad. . .”  After he listed off several of these, I stopped him.  I said, “I want you to think about the language you use in regards to yourself.  If a friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would he still be your friend?”

Negative self-talk is such a destroyer.  Just because you are not perfect that does not mean there is nothing redeeming about who you are becoming.  I knew that this language from my friend had the Adversary all over it.  Remembering that when we don't live up to our expectations, when we make mistakes and own them then change our attitudes and actions to get better, when we realize that our transformation is a process, we live in freedom with the appropriate perspective of ourselves and others.

James Allen writes, “A man is literally what he thinks. . .the complete sum of all his thoughts.”  When we shame ourselves for our mistakes, we think we are worthless or unlovable, but when we see our shortcomings, learn from them, and change our approaches, we build our self-esteem in the midst of obstacles, struggles, and difficulties.

Instead of basing our self-esteem on our performance, we build our self-worth and identity through process, the continual process of getting better in our relationships, leadership, and life.  We take responsibility for our mistakes, but we don’t take them personally.  There’s a huge gap between, “I am a failure,” and “I made a mistake.”  It is the growth-gap.  The first statement is final, paralyzing, and destructive.  The second statement is process-oriented, empowering, and constructive, literally helping us build ourselves up into the people we want to be and are meant to be.

You are your best friend.  When you use negative self-talk you sabotage your success.  When you focus on what’s wrong, you focus on who you aren’t instead of who you are.  As author and speaker Marcus Buckingham says, “When we focus on what’s bad and try to reverse that, we get not bad.”[i]  We don’t get excellence.  We are not our very best!

Game-Changer

            It was a tight basketball game.  Grant was fouled and had a chance to seal the win by making two free throws.  The opposing team called time-out to “ice” him, and several of the players on the opposing team started talking to him about “choking” as he walked to our bench for the time-out.

Any coach knows to never say, “Don’t miss these free throws!” because the only thing the player hears is “miss these free throws,” and the only picture planted in his mind are free throws bouncing off the rim.  Instead, I said, “After Grant makes these free throws we will drop back to half court in man to man defense.”  What did he see?  Excellence!  He saw himself making the free throws to win the game.  And he did!

Grant was a good free-throw shooter.  He had practiced a lot, making hundreds of free-throws.  He also missed many, but he let go of his mistakes, tried to emulate his successes at the line, and saw the good in himself.  He had even pretended in practice to be at the end of a game with two free-throws to win it.  So, when he stepped to the line during the game, his mind, body, and heart were one in the moment.

This is exactly what we must do at critical moments in our lives when we are called to forgive or love ourselves or others.  Forgiveness takes practice.  It is in the process of practice that we conquer in crisis.

The Voice Inside, Not The Voices Outside

I told my recently divorced friend struggling in his new relationship, “There’s something I’ve seen in you for a long time.  You care more about what you think people think of you than you do about what you think of you.  Don’t let the voices outside override the voice inside.”

I told my friend, “Shame is part of life, and all of us experience shame.  It actually helps us stay connected to others when experienced appropriately.  But when shame drives us to guilt, and we stay in that place, we sabotage our growth, our relationships, and ultimately our lives.  You are guilt-driven.  Conviction is healthy, but guilt is destructive.  People of conviction act from the inside out.  Guilt-driven people struggle with forgiving themselves first and then others because they operate from the outside in.  Grace-driven people operate from the inside out.”

·      Guilt-driven people see duty, but Grace-driven people see beauty.

·      Guilt-driven people think the moment is taking something away from me, but Grace-driven people think the moment is making something great of me.

I told my friend, “Listen to what you are saying: I am a bad father.  I am a bad friend.  I know you.  I see you with your daughter, and that’s just not true.  You’ve got to make The Shift, change your mind, and change your stories because your guilt is not serving you.”

Guilt Versus Conviction

There’s a difference between guilt and conviction.  When we do something wrong and recognize it, we feel guilty about our actions.  That is appropriate.  The problem arises when we hold on to guilt and stay wrapped up in it.  We end up trapped in our past, unable to live now where we are.  Guilt is accompanied by shame.  Most human beings feel shame, and that is good because shame is what keeps us connected to each other.

The only people unable to feel shame are sociopaths.  They’re unable to feel any connection to others, and connection is a fundamental need of all human beings to live a fulfilled life.  Guilt is simply a stage in the learning process.  Guilt and shame should lead us to conviction, a conviction to change our thoughts and behavior.  Conviction should lead us to action, action that does something differently to make the wrong right in the future.

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[i] I actually attended a leadership conference where Marcus Buckingham spoke, and he said the quote I mention.  He has done extensive research on playing to your strengths and managing your weaknesses in his previous work with the Gallup organization and now on his own in several endeavors including The Marcus Buckingham Company, leading the “strengths revolution.”  For more go to http://www.tmbc.com.