Forgiveness - Part 1

Seventy-Seven Times

Once there was a man who fervently desired integrity, living a life of freedom and love in relationship with the people in his community.  He met a teacher and became his student.

One particular day, after several encounters with people who were inconsiderate, self-absorbed, and cruel, he grew frustrated.  He resented these people.  He resisted them, secretly wishing they “would get what was coming to them.”  Frustrated, he approached his teacher.  Knowing the teacher was a great man, full of compassion, he wanted to know how compassionate he must be in relationship to these people.

“Teacher,” he asked, “how many times do I have to forgive my brother or sister who wrongs me?  Seven times?” for he considered forgiving seven times was an outlandishly generous act very few, if any, could practice.

“Not seven times but seventy-seven times,” the Teacher replied.  The student stood open-mouthed, staring wide-eyed at his teacher.  After letting the answer sink in, the teacher continued:

There was a man who owed several million dollars to a wealthy and powerful businessman.  He could not pay his debt.  He went before the businessman and begged, “I cannot pay my debt right now.  Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.”  The powerful businessman had compassion for the man and said, “I forgive your debt.  You don’t owe anything.  

Go and live free, giving to others what I have given you.”  The man was overwhelmed with his good fortune, and he went out from the businessman’s office jubilantly.

Later in the day that same man came upon someone who owed him one hundred dollars.  He grabbed the man in debt by the collar, screaming, “Give me my money! Now!”  When news of this got back to the businessman, he filed suit against the man and in court he testified, saying to the man, “You cruel and wicked man!  You should have forgiven that man his one hundred dollar debt!  Now, before this court, you will have to pay back the millions I had forgiven you.”[i]

The teacher turned to his student and said, “We all have wronged others at some point in our lives.  We’re all indebted to others in some way.  We must always remember, ‘There, but for the grace of God, go I.’

“Hardness brings hardness, and softness brings softness.  Inside each of us rests all the secrets of our heart that if the rest of the world knew, it would be horrified.  And so, we always see the seven offenses of our brothers and sisters through the lens of the seventy-seven horrors within us.

“We can never change another’s heart.  But our hearts of compassion are bridges some will cross, and as they rest in our hearts of compassion and forgiveness, they too, like us, will become one of The Seventy-Seven Warriors of Love.”

Before you take out your notebook and get ready to mark off forgiving someone seventy-seven times before you either give them your two-cents worth or cut them loose from your life (yes, I have thought about this at times too when it comes to some people in my life), realize that the teacher called on his student to continually forgive.

Forgiveness is the only way to truly live your calling and walk in your Greatness.  All other ways are ultimately dead ends, specifically, your death, either mentally, spiritually, or even physically.

It’s a tall order, isn’t it?  How do I forgive even them?  Yes, that’s right, picture them in your mind right now (you know who I’m talking about – there’s always at least one person in our lives we find it very difficult to forgive).  So, let’s figure this out.

Forgive

to grant pardon for an offense or debt;

to cease to blame or hold resentment against someone or something;

to free or pardon someone from penalty

When you get what you deserve, that’s justice.  When you get what you don’t deserve (the good stuff!), that’s forgiveness.

To forgive actually means to give before; to give yourself to another as before they wronged you, to treat them as if nothing has changed in your relationship.

Why don’t we want to forgive?  Because many of us would rather be right than be successful.  Filled with resentment, we would rather drink the poison than find the cure.

Let Me Be Frank

Hi, I’m Frank.  Sorry, couldn’t resist.  Forgive me!

British playwright and novelist Somerset Maughm writes, “If I wrote down every thought I have ever thought and every deed I have ever done, men would call me a monster of depravity.”[ii]  Ouch!  Truth!  About me!  It burns us, precious! (FYI: Gollum struggled with forgiveness.).

We know the horrors of what we have thought and done, and we think it impossible to be free of those monstrous deeds.  And sometimes something weird happens when we hold on to our wrongs.  We begin to view others as cynically as we view ourselves.  We assume the worst about others because we know what we ourselves have done.  As American author Anais Nin writes, “We don’t see things as they are.  We see them as we are.”[iii]  This illness (and, rest assured, it is an illness[iv] according to Doestoyevsky) leads us to view others cynically, or it paralyzes us from walking in our Greatness, absorbed in a negative view of others, the world, or ourselves. (Just look at Gollum.  He was hideous!)

The Beautiful Mess of Excellence

All kidding aside, perfection is impossible, but excellence is attainable.  We all make mistakes, but we also do beautiful things.  I like to think of us as a beautiful mess!  If you are to live your calling and walk in your Greatness, you must:

1.  Admit your wrong-doings.

2.  Let go of your guilt by apologizing to yourself, others, and God.

3.  Let go of mistakes daily.  Lift them up and let them go.

4.  Learn from your mistakes.  Don’t repeat them.

5.  Change your behavior.

6.  Celebrate the beautiful and positive things you are doing daily.

7.  Embrace the beautiful mess you are!

Shift your mind right now!  Write down these steps and practice them daily.  In twenty-eight days you will be amazed how much happier, healthier, and free you are.

---

[i] Matthew 18

[ii] Maugham, W. Somerset.  The Summing Up.  Penguin Classics, 1992. Print.  The quote contained in The Greatness Revolution is widely circulated on the web on various quotation websites.  The actual quotation is “For my part I do not think I am any better or any worse than most people, but I know that if I set down every action in my life and every thought that has crossed my mind the world would consider me a monster of depravity.”

[iii] Nin, Anais.  Seduction of the Minotaur.  Swallow Press. 1961.  Print.  Nin attributes this quote to The Talmud.

[iv] Dostoevsky, Fyodor.  Crime and Punishment.  Trans. Constance Garnett.  Dover Thrift Edition.  Dover Publications.  August, 2001.  In his Epilogue, Dostoyevsky has the protagonist Raskolnikov come to grips with the disease that infects humanity, namely it is the virus of unforgiveness.  Dostoevsky describes it as an illness.  Raskolnikov, himself, fights this disease throughout the entire novel until he finally changes his mind and sees his ever constant companion, Sonya (her nickname for Sophia, meaning wisdom) who loves Raskolnikov despite the hardships he places on her and the hardships of her life as well.  It is her unconditional and faithful love for Raskolnikov, despite his cruelty and hard heart, that prompts Raskolnikov to accept grace, forgiveness, and mercy, the love of God, an attribute, as Shakespeare puts it in The Merchant of Venice, that is the very essence of God.

The 3 R's of Self-Destruction - Part Five: The One R of Self-Preservation

The One R of Self-Preservation

            “R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!” sings Aretha Franklin.  There’s a lot of talk about respect in our world.

In one of the classes I taught, part of the curriculum units centered on respect.  One of the main questions the curriculum asked was “How does one get respect?”  It’s an absurd question.

“I only respect those who respect me.  If they don’t respect me, I don’t respect them,” answered one student in my class.

“It’s a trick question,” I told the class.  “You can’t get respect.  You can only give respect.”

“Are you serious?” responded that same student.  “If someone is disrespectful, I’m not going to give them my respect.”

He didn’t realize he was keeping his lights on high beam.

“What does someone else being disrespectful have to do with you?” I asked.  “Whether someone shows you respect or disrespect has nothing to do with you, whom you choose to be, and what you choose to do.”

            

             Giving respect to someone, whether he or she deserves it or not, is a statement about you.  When you base giving respect on the behavior of another person, you place your power into their hands.  Don’t give away your power!  Showing respect for others, whether they deserve it or not, is a statement about who you are.

Respect is a key to overcoming resentment, resistance, and revenge.  Respect yourself enough to show respect to others regardless of their behavior.  You may not respect what they do or say, but if you show disrespect for them, you essentially have become the monster in order to defeat the monster.

Mandela

After experiencing many years of great adversity, after “knitting his cocoon” and “struggling to emerge” from it, Nelson Mandela created a win-win culture in South Africa, exchanging the cycle of oppression (a circle) with a united society working together to create a community of infinite possibilities (a spiral).  He called upon what was best in humanity to overcome the ugly scar of Apartheid.  Mandela shared his thoughts on the day of his release after twenty-seven years of prison:

            As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I                                     knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.

Nelson Mandela made The Shift.  He began with himself and influenced a group of transforming, like-minded individuals banding together.  As American cultural anthropologist Margaret Meade writes, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world; indeed it’s the only thing that ever has.”

The cause of all war, civil unrest, and the cycle of oppression reside in The Three R’s of Self-Destruction: resentment, resistance and revenge.  Only The Shift, changing our minds, seeing life as a spiral and not a circle, will create win-win solutions.

One thing remains to be said.  Neither Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, nor Henry David Thoreau were perfect people.  There are many people who changed the world for the better through the way they lived, and with the exception of one man, none of them were perfect.  They said and did things that were wrong and that they regretted.  They made mistakes.  But isn’t that the point?  First, they practiced excellence, not perfection because perfection is impossible but excellence is absolutely necessary.  Secondly, I am not perfect, and you are not perfect.  However, excellence is available to both you and me today!  Since no one’s perfect, we don’t have to be the judge and jury of anyone except ourselves.  This liberates us to look at the log in our own eye and not worry about the speck of sawdust in others’ eyes.[i]  We focus on progression in our own transformation, not perfection.  Essentially, this is humility, an essential component to ending the Three R’s of Self-Destruction and practicing the One R of Self-Preservation.

An Answer?

How do we rid ourselves of the two self-destructive stories: being right and looking good?  How do we stop resenting, resisting and seeking revenge?  We make The Shift.  We begin trying to see from others’ perspectives, practicing compassion, filled with respect.  But in order to do that we move to the ultimate and only way to eradicate the Three R’s of Self-Destruction, and that is what the next blog is all about!

---

[i] Matthew 7:5

The 3 R's of Self-Destruction - Part Four: The Third R, Revenge

Revenge

an opportunity to retaliate or gain satisfaction,

especially in a resentful or vindictive spirit

Gandhi’s statement about an eye for an eye leaving the whole world blind shows that revenge is more than an attempt to get even.  

In our world revenge is dolled up as “justice,” but revenge has little to do with justice and much to do with the need to be right.  The need to be right creates lose-lose situations and compromises one’s ability to find peace, happiness, and joy.  Being right and simply being are two very different ways of life.

Gandhi masterfully found and practiced win-win solutions.  Sometimes these solutions caused him great suffering and struggles, but he knew the momentary suffering[i] would eventually bring about win-win solutions for the people of India and the British.  When the British left India, they left as friends because of Gandhi’s desire, discipline, and determination to bless and be blessed.

When we practice the Three R’s of Self Destruction all suffer.

High Beams

I remember driving many times at night down two-lane highways, and meeting drivers who would not dim their lights when I met them.  It was very annoying, and I grew angry.  I fumed inside with resentment, and I wanted to keep my lights on high beam (resistance and revenge).  I will confess that on occasion I left my high beams on, and only looking back on it did I realize I was not only jeopardizing the lives of those in the on-coming car, but I was jeopardizing my own life by deliberately trying to blind someone who was coming straight toward me with only a small yellow line separating us.  I know, crazy!

I couldn’t be bothered by why someone might leave their high-beams on, whether from being discourteous, having poor eyesight, or distracted by children perhaps in the car. How absolutely ridiculous is that!  You’d think I would have the sense to minimize the danger and to do my very best to produce a win-win solution by doing what made sense: dimming my headlights.

How many of the lessons in the spirals of our life have been wasted because we are blinded by high-beams coming at us, driven by resistance, resentment, and revenge? How many opportunities have we squandered to produce win-win solutions because we did not take the time to try to understand others and do what we knew would be best for everyone involved in the moment?  How often have we forgotten our integrity, to treat others the way we want to be treated because of The Three R’s of Self-Destruction? 

Instead, let’s make The Shift and change our stories.  Let’s decide to be our true selves and to walk in our Greatness by renouncing the Three R’s from our lives?  Let’s replace resistance with relationship, resentment with optimism, and revenge with compassion!

Distraction

            Distraction is a form of resentment, resistance, and revenge.  Life, inherently, contains hurdles.  As we run the race of life, we must not get distracted by the critics in the stands.  

To stop and argue with those telling you that you’re running too slowly with the wrong form and the wrong way keeps you from winning the race.  The critics aren’t even running!  When you stop to explain yourself or argue your case, you become one of them, standing on the sideline, letting life pass you by.

As Teddy Roosevelt so aptly stated, getting even with the critics by explaining who you are, all the while taking time away from your Dream and calling, defeats your purpose.  People on the sideline may think they know better than you, but if they aren’t in the race, they don’t.  Be careful about accepting criticism from them.  Run, walk, crawl if you have to, but don’t stop to listen to those who have no idea of and no desire to run the race you are running.  Just be the runner you are, and stay focused on the course before you, not distracted by the voices in the stands.  Listen to fellow runners and those who have run the race before you.

---

[i] 2 Corithians 4:17

The Three R's of Self-Destruction - Part Three: The Second R, Resistance

Resistance

the act of opposing or withstanding

Resistance may serve us in some instances.  Resisting unhealthy choices and immoral practices serves us, but in many cases, resistance is futile!  Most forms of resistance lead to negative escalations in relationships because the motives of the resistance are flawed.  You push, so I push back, and soon we are exhausted from resisting.

Gandhi said, “An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”[i]  He was talking about the ancient law employed in much of the world.  The idea behind “eye for eye, tooth for tooth” was to do away with the third R of self-destruction, revenge.  If you take an eye, justice demands I can take your eye.  The problem is most people don’t want to just take one eye in return.  They want to pluck out both eyes!   Soon everyone involved is eyeless, toothless, limbless, or worse, dead!  When we employ resistance, someone loses.

Saint Peter writes, “If it is at all possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”[ii]  If it is at all possible to find a beneficial resolution to any circumstance without using resistance, by all means, practice that solution. Our resistance uncovers our lack of compassion, the inability to see through another’s eyes, to try and understand another’s point of view.  Compassion and cooperation are keys to win-win solutions.

Why do we resist?  In the West perhaps we can chalk it up to “rugged individualism.”  Perhaps it is pride, or a competitive nature.  Most reasons relate to the two big stories:  the need to be right rather than be successful and the need to look good.

            

             Most people would rather look good than look inward.  Weak people look outward and blame others, putting control into others’ hands, but strong people look inward and make adjustments.  What you resist will persist!  What you focus on grows!

We may resist because it gives us the illusion of control.  When we resist, we often tell ourselves we are in control or in power.  Ironically, when we resist, we actually relinquish control or power because those we resist determine our behavior. Resisting does not give us control.  It controls us!  In reality we only control ourselves.  As long as we resist, we will find ourselves in lose-lose situations.  We must make The Shift, change our minds, and transform our thinking.

Who We Aren’t Instead of Who We Are

Another reason we resist may be because it is so much easier for us to define who we aren’t.  Most people can tell you what they don’t believe, what they are against, or what they don’t want to do, but ask them who they are, what they’re for, or what they want to do, and many have no response.  That’s why it is so easy for us to criticize others without looking at our own behavior.

Protesting against an unjust law or a verdict in a trial is far easier than living daily the answer to injustice.  Protesting against injustice is healthy if it is coupled with proactively living the solutions.  The challenge is that it’s easy to just be against something.  It’s far more difficult to live for something bigger than yourself.  But who you are and what you do speaks much more loudly than your words.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.[iii]

Gandhi abhorred the violent mistreatment of the Indian people, but he knew resisting with violence simply created a monster to defeat a monster.  Resistance often turns us into what we resist and is based solely on being right and looking good.  Resistance of this kind has little to do with justice or morality and everything to do with revenge and immorality.  When we resist in this way, we are thinking only about ourselves, looking for an excuse to put ourselves first, and this self-centered thinking tends to be the major reason we resist.

Gandhi’s satyagraha was about serving all of India, encouraging the British Empire to see his and others’ humanity, not by animalistic violence, but through non-violent protest or by breaking unjust laws that brought attention to oppression and the dehumanization of the people of India.  This resistance defined who Gandhi was and whom the Indian people were, not what they weren’t.

Henry David Thoreau’s writings on the man of conscience, even if a majority of one, is the beginning of the change we’d like to see in the world.  You must be someone whose resistance is not really resistance but a proactive way of living the life of the person of conscience.

Lao Tzu writes, “The highest good is like water.  Water gives life to the ten thousand things, and yet does not compete with them.  It flows in places that the mass of people detest, and therefore is it close to the Way.”[iv]                        

 A drop of water remains water and combined with many drops of water overcomes all obstacles to reach its goal.  Like water, our individual integrity combined with others’ integrity helps us find a common path to living our Greatness and having a community of Greatness! 

Tearing Down the Walls

The real problem in a relationship is when the arguing stops.[v]

-Bono

One of the major forms of resistance is putting up a wall or cutting off communication.  As long as people are talking there’s a chance of reconciliation. The word hate has been grossly misunderstood.  Rather than an emotion like anger or fear, the essence of the word hate is separation and isolation from someone or some thing.  If I hate broccoli, I don’t want it near my plate.  Hate is a form of resistance.  A marriage where spouses stop communicating may be more hateful than a marriage where spouses are discussing passionately values dear to them.  When silence turns to distance, and wounds become walls, destruction comes calling.

Most problems in life emerge from poor communication: ruined friendships, broken marriages, parent-child conflict, faltering businesses, even warring countries.  So resistance in the form of deliberate wall-building or cutting off communication is bound to create self-destruction eventually.  Focus on the obstacle, and it will grow.  Focus on the solution, and it will grow.  Avoid the obstacle, and it will grow.  Embrace the Obstacle-Opportunity, and you will grow.  Be like water.  Move toward your goal.  Embrace the obstacles along the way.  Keep the conversation going.  Leave them better than when you found them.  Bring them life, and life will transform all involved.

---

[i] Fischer, Louis.  The Life of Mahatma Gandhi.  Harper and Row, 1983. Print.  While the quote is widely attributed to Gandhi,  no citation directly places this exact wording occurring anywhere in Gandhi’s writings, though he may have spoken it at some time.  Fischer writes in his biography of Gandhi a variation of the idea, and because of this, I cite his comprehensive work on the Mahatma’s life.  I highly recommend this biography and the film upon which it is based, directed by Sir Richard Attenborough and starring Ben Kingsley.

[ii] Romans 12:18

[iii] Matthew 7:12

[iv] Tzu, Lao.  Tao Te Ching.  Chapter 8.

[v] Assayas, Michka.  Bono in Conversation with Michka Assayas.  Riverhead Books.  Penguin.  New York. 2005-2006. Print.

The Three R's of Self-Destruction - Part Two: The First R, Resentment

Resentment

any negative emotional reaction oftentimes

to what we think was said or done.

Resentment toward another person is like drinking a poison and expecting that person to die.  Have you ever been there?  Perhaps someone has hurt your feelings or offended you.  Whenever this happens, our pain can lead us to think extremely irrational thoughts.  When we find ourselves carrying around resentment towards someone, a good practice is to say to ourselves, “Most people are people of good will,” which is absolutely true.  While they do exist, very few people are people of ill will.

Often, people say and do inconsiderate things, and we hold on to the offense.  Ironically, they may not even be aware of what they’ve done.  But even if they were intentional, we still must tell ourselves, “I must not let the voices outside override the voice inside.  The only person I can control is myself, and I know how hard that can be!  And I know that someone’s hurtful comment or action toward me ninety-nine percent of the time has little or nothing to do with me and much more to do with his or her current circumstances.”

Sometimes we overestimate another person’s interest in us.  There’s that old saying by Winston Churchill, “In my twenties I cared what everyone thought about me.  In my forties I didn’t care what anyone thought about me.  And in my sixties I realized that no one was ever thinking about me.”  I am convinced that all behavior is explained, and in almost all circumstances, most people’s rudeness or offense has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

Resentment will never serve me.  It simply infects me, and, as I waste away, the one I resent remains untouched.  When I resent, I give away my power.  I no longer own my life.  Instead, I place my life in the hands of a person I cannot change nor control, the one who has offended me.  And that is futile.  And by the way, it’s the same when we resent institutions, political, religious, or educational.  In those moments we must shake off resentment and be the change we want to see in the world.

Resentment has little to do with what actually occurred.  Oftentimes, when I resent someone, my perception of what occurred stems from my limited knowledge about all the factors around the moment.  Quite often my interpretation of what happened rests solely on my experience, so I have to be careful about rushing to judgment.

“But, Brad, what if my perception is accurate and the person really did say or do something hurtful or inappropriate?”  Great question!

In the film To Kill A Mockingbird,[i] Atticus Finch tells Scout and Jem, his children:

You never really understand a person until

you consider things from his point of view –

until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.

This practice is the beginning of dispelling resentment.  If I understand someone’s point of view, it becomes much easier to overlook the offense.  Understanding is like reflection in The Listen and Learn Technique, where you open your mind and heart to see and hear from another person’s perspective.  To clarify, understanding and agreeing with a person’s point of view are not the same, but understanding is a huge step in overcoming resentment.

A truly compassionate attitude toward others

does not change even if they act negatively.”[ii]

-The Dalai Lama

Practicing compassion is another step to dispel resentment.  However, when it comes to resentment in any circumstance, there is only one practice to eradicate it, and we’ll get to that soon enough.

---

[i] To Kill A Mockingbird: 50^th Anniversary Edition.  Dir. Robert Mulligan.  Perf. Gregory Peck, Mary Badham, Phillip Alford, John Megna, and Frank Overton.  Universal Studios, 2012. DVD.

[ii] Gyatso,Tenzin, The Fourteenth Dalai Lama.  Compassion and the Individual. http://www.dalailama.com/messages/compassion.