Forgiveness - Part 4: Myopia, Humility, and Relationships

Tunnel Vision vs. Humility

            Your life is epic.

Homer’s The Odyssey tells the ten-year journey of a man trying to find his way home to his kingdom, his wife, and his son.  Like all epic tales, upon the journey Odysseus confronts many “monsters of depravity.”  Every monster represents a trait within Odysseus he must confront and overcome, traits like pride, greed, and lust.

On one occasion Odysseus confronts the Cyclops, Polyphemus.  The monstrously large Polyphemus doesn’t respect the gods.  In other words, he has no humility, and he has no concern for things of the heart or spirit.  He represents the animal nature of humanity.  He cannibalizes several of Odysseus’ men to placate his unchecked appetites.  The Cyclops’ every action is concerned with only one person: himself.  He has one eye, meaning he has no depth perception (He is shallow!).  He focuses solely on the surface of things: filling his belly, getting what he wants, drinking to the point of drunkenness.  He is full of pride.

            Polyphemus suffers from myopia, a medical condition resulting especially in defective vision of distant objects, or a lack of foresight, a narrow view of something.   He has no vision for distance, for the future.  And wisdom is vision!  He does not see the negative consequences of his self-centered actions.  He does not learn from his past and plan for his future.  He practices instant-gratification, and ends up suffering humiliation at the hands of the seemingly insignificant Odysseus.

Odysseus and his men escape when they use a sharpened pole to stab the Cyclops in the eye after the “monster of depravity” falls asleep, drunk from wine Odysseus serves him.  Polyphemus’ spiritual and intellectual blindness, from undisciplined habits and unrestrained instant-gratification, leads to his physical blindness at the hands of Odysseus.

In the narrative Polyphemus mirrors Odysseus, who himself suffers from myopia.  As he and his men escape on their ships, Odysseus taunts the Cyclops after having blinded him, and in the taunting nearly causes the death of himself and his crew as Polyphemus hurls a mountaintop in the direction of the ships.  Like the Cyclops, Odysseus also believes he does not need the gods, and he can do everything on his own.  He is blind to “the seventy-seven horrors” within ( See: Forgiveness - Part 1).  He is filled with pride, lacking any humility whatsoever.

The encounter with the Cyclops is Odysseus’ personal encounter with his myopic view, his inability to see the consequences of his arrogance and self-centeredness.  It takes him several more episodes to find humility.  From this episode we learn the importance of discipline, humility, and the grave consequences of the choices we make every moment.

The Three Most Important People in Your Life

            Think of the three most important people in your life.  Write them down right here, right now. If you have several siblings or kids, sorry, you will have to choose.  Do this before reading the next paragraph.  Go!

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

___________________________________________

Now, are you on that list?  If not, add your name.  You must be on that list!  Just make sure you’re not the only one on that list!

Forgive yourself.  Love yourself.  Once you forgive and love yourself, only then can you love and forgive others.

Forgiveness is the antidote for resentment, resistance and revenge.  Forgiveness brings protection.  Mercy is new every morning![i]  When forgiveness goes before me in all my actions and relationships, I am protected from my self-destruction.  I can truly live, which is to say, I can truly love . . . myself and others.

Are you guilt-driven or grace-driven?  It’s time to make The Shift.  Live a grace-full life.  Open your eyes, live your calling, and walk in your Greatness.  Begin the revolution within . . . The Greatness Revolution!

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[i] Lamentations 3:22-23

Forgiveness - Part 3: The Growth-Gap, Grace vs. Guilt, and Conviction

The Growth-Gap

I had coffee with a friend of mine who had recently been through a divorce.  He was confronting Obstacle-Opportunities regarding a new relationship.  He said to me, “Brad, I am bad: I am a bad father.  I am a bad friend.  I am a bad. . .”  After he listed off several of these, I stopped him.  I said, “I want you to think about the language you use in regards to yourself.  If a friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would he still be your friend?”

Negative self-talk is such a destroyer.  Just because you are not perfect that does not mean there is nothing redeeming about who you are becoming.  I knew that this language from my friend had the Adversary all over it.  Remembering that when we don't live up to our expectations, when we make mistakes and own them then change our attitudes and actions to get better, when we realize that our transformation is a process, we live in freedom with the appropriate perspective of ourselves and others.

James Allen writes, “A man is literally what he thinks. . .the complete sum of all his thoughts.”  When we shame ourselves for our mistakes, we think we are worthless or unlovable, but when we see our shortcomings, learn from them, and change our approaches, we build our self-esteem in the midst of obstacles, struggles, and difficulties.

Instead of basing our self-esteem on our performance, we build our self-worth and identity through process, the continual process of getting better in our relationships, leadership, and life.  We take responsibility for our mistakes, but we don’t take them personally.  There’s a huge gap between, “I am a failure,” and “I made a mistake.”  It is the growth-gap.  The first statement is final, paralyzing, and destructive.  The second statement is process-oriented, empowering, and constructive, literally helping us build ourselves up into the people we want to be and are meant to be.

You are your best friend.  When you use negative self-talk you sabotage your success.  When you focus on what’s wrong, you focus on who you aren’t instead of who you are.  As author and speaker Marcus Buckingham says, “When we focus on what’s bad and try to reverse that, we get not bad.”[i]  We don’t get excellence.  We are not our very best!

Game-Changer

            It was a tight basketball game.  Grant was fouled and had a chance to seal the win by making two free throws.  The opposing team called time-out to “ice” him, and several of the players on the opposing team started talking to him about “choking” as he walked to our bench for the time-out.

Any coach knows to never say, “Don’t miss these free throws!” because the only thing the player hears is “miss these free throws,” and the only picture planted in his mind are free throws bouncing off the rim.  Instead, I said, “After Grant makes these free throws we will drop back to half court in man to man defense.”  What did he see?  Excellence!  He saw himself making the free throws to win the game.  And he did!

Grant was a good free-throw shooter.  He had practiced a lot, making hundreds of free-throws.  He also missed many, but he let go of his mistakes, tried to emulate his successes at the line, and saw the good in himself.  He had even pretended in practice to be at the end of a game with two free-throws to win it.  So, when he stepped to the line during the game, his mind, body, and heart were one in the moment.

This is exactly what we must do at critical moments in our lives when we are called to forgive or love ourselves or others.  Forgiveness takes practice.  It is in the process of practice that we conquer in crisis.

The Voice Inside, Not The Voices Outside

I told my recently divorced friend struggling in his new relationship, “There’s something I’ve seen in you for a long time.  You care more about what you think people think of you than you do about what you think of you.  Don’t let the voices outside override the voice inside.”

I told my friend, “Shame is part of life, and all of us experience shame.  It actually helps us stay connected to others when experienced appropriately.  But when shame drives us to guilt, and we stay in that place, we sabotage our growth, our relationships, and ultimately our lives.  You are guilt-driven.  Conviction is healthy, but guilt is destructive.  People of conviction act from the inside out.  Guilt-driven people struggle with forgiving themselves first and then others because they operate from the outside in.  Grace-driven people operate from the inside out.”

·      Guilt-driven people see duty, but Grace-driven people see beauty.

·      Guilt-driven people think the moment is taking something away from me, but Grace-driven people think the moment is making something great of me.

I told my friend, “Listen to what you are saying: I am a bad father.  I am a bad friend.  I know you.  I see you with your daughter, and that’s just not true.  You’ve got to make The Shift, change your mind, and change your stories because your guilt is not serving you.”

Guilt Versus Conviction

There’s a difference between guilt and conviction.  When we do something wrong and recognize it, we feel guilty about our actions.  That is appropriate.  The problem arises when we hold on to guilt and stay wrapped up in it.  We end up trapped in our past, unable to live now where we are.  Guilt is accompanied by shame.  Most human beings feel shame, and that is good because shame is what keeps us connected to each other.

The only people unable to feel shame are sociopaths.  They’re unable to feel any connection to others, and connection is a fundamental need of all human beings to live a fulfilled life.  Guilt is simply a stage in the learning process.  Guilt and shame should lead us to conviction, a conviction to change our thoughts and behavior.  Conviction should lead us to action, action that does something differently to make the wrong right in the future.

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[i] I actually attended a leadership conference where Marcus Buckingham spoke, and he said the quote I mention.  He has done extensive research on playing to your strengths and managing your weaknesses in his previous work with the Gallup organization and now on his own in several endeavors including The Marcus Buckingham Company, leading the “strengths revolution.”  For more go to http://www.tmbc.com.

Forgiveness - Part 2: It Begins with You!

Where Does Forgiveness Begin?

            Forgiveness begins with love, and the first person you must love is yourself if you ever want to forgive others.  Change the stories not serving you, keeping you from loving yourself.  We’ve all heard, “Love others the way you love yourself.”[i]  We call it The Golden Rule when actually it’s not a rule at all.  It’s a reality.  We cannot love others unless we love ourselves also, and we will only love others as much as we love ourselves.  If I view others cynically, it’s likely I am just as cynical about myself and my behavior. 

Ironically, the only way we will love ourselves appropriately is to forgive ourselves, to accept grace regarding our own imperfections and wrongdoings.  Most often my harshest critic is myself.  When harshness takes root, I hold others to an impossible standard because I hold myself to an impossible standard.  Hardness brings hardness, and it leads to one’s own self-destruction and the destruction of others.

Forgiveness and Consequences Are Not the Same Thing

Accepting or giving forgiveness is not the same thing as ignoring the consequences of wrong-doing or offense.  While I must forgive myself and in turn others in order to live a healthy life, sometimes negative consequences linger for a short or long time depending on the offense.  I cannot excuse myself from the consequences of my wrong-doings, just as I cannot excuse or get rid of the consequences of others’ wrong-doings.  Consequences, both positive and negative, result from the choices and actions I and others make.  I do not have control over the consequences of my actions or the actions of others, but I do have control over my choice to forgive the negative choices and behaviors of my self or others.  But even in the midst of forgiveness, negative consequences will necessarily play out in a cause-and-effect world.

Remember in 2007 the massacre of Amish school children?  A gunman shot ten children, and five were killed.  The gunman then took his own life.  The parents of those school children forgave the man.  The consequences of this horrible crime were devastated families whose lives would never be the same because their children were gone.  But the parents forgave the gunman, and showed that forgiveness by donating money to the gunman’s widow and three children, as well as attending the gunman’s funeral and consoling his widow. While the consequences of loss from the horrible crime will forever be with the families of those children and community, the families and community were set free from a spiritual and emotional prison because the parents of those children chose to forgive.

Make The Shift, change your mind, and believe you are lovely.  You are worthy of love and belonging.  Forgive yourself so you can love others as you love yourself.

Truth

Here’s the truth:  It is impossible to love another person if you don’t love yourself.

            Someone once said to me, “That’s not true.  I can serve others.  I can love others no matter how I feel about myself.”  Yes, you can do the right and loving act, and it is good to do the right act in relationship with others, but the action alone is not love.  Doing the right act without love in your heart is an empty motion.[ii]  Many people don’t love themselves, but do “loving” acts for others.  Why?  It’s who they really are trying to get out, trying to live, even when they are burdened with resentment, resistance, or revenge, three indicators of someone who does not love himself or herself.  However, in most cases, many seek their identity in what they think others think about them or how they think others see them, trapped in the “looking good” story, which eventually leads to self-destruction.

            I am not advocating that you stop performing loving acts to others if you don’t really feel love.  That just adds fuel to the fire of un-loveliness.  By all means, continue to act in love, and you will see your emotions change when you see the gratitude of those you are serving.  Our feelings often follow our actions.  Sometimes what I know to be right and how I feel don’t line up, but often when I do what I know to be right, noble, true, and loving, my feelings come along and I am overwhelmed with love.  So keep practicing love.

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[i] Matthew 22:39

[ii] 1 Corinthians 13:1-3